The Answers.

Why can dogs lick their Balls and I can't?

Grover from the squash club reckons he can lick his own genitalia, mind you he's also adamant he plays dominoes with Richard Clayderman on a Tuesday. Also, one night at the pub, he told us that he had gills when he was born but they 'grew out'.

Is it socially acceptable to chew jelly?

I'm not sure of the social attitude toward jelly chewing though Kevin informs me it's now deemed okay to walk round town in PVC trousers as long as “you've not got a stiffy”. Not that I'm into that. Kevin is. I'm happy in a comfy pair of corduroy slacks and supportive y-fronts.

My job's really dull. Sometimes I entertain myself by wondering what would happen if I threw a small plastic cup of water at a co-worker. I would use the excuse “I was worried you were on fire”. Any thoughts?

Hello Iain, I like your thinking though why not be more subtle? Try things like wearing Cuban heeled shoes and dancing to the water cooler or growing a Fu Manchu moustache and spitting when you talk.

Be warned though it's a slippery slope, Phil started out making novelty bracelets from paper-clips and only a few short months later found himself firing an air rifle at the ceiling and shouting “I'm going to kill all you b*stards”, which didn't go down well with his colleagues, especially his line manager who lost an ear lobe to a stray pellet.

What is social theory?

Is it the written test they give you at the benefits office before they'll give you any money?

I'm not convinced the benefits system works as it should. Gary from the Miners reckons he's better off doing nothing, which he does well to be fair. His last wife, Linda, thought he was dead once.

I tried not working in 1998 but when I found myself eating moss and wearing odd socks I knew it was time to get a job.

If I start to collect plastic spoons from various sandwich shops (I've started with the ones near work) will women find me more attractive?

No. Last Saturday I pretended to be one half of pop sensation 'Milli Vanilli'.
I was trying to impress a girl from Rhyl. It was all going well until she demanded the DJ stopped playing records and handed me the microphone, announcing “He's going to do Girl You Know It's True”... everyone cheered.
I didn't know the words so I did a freestyle-rap about shoes.
I woke up in Prestatyn infirmary with one trouser leg missing and a bald patch.

How's your face?

Better than Alan's, he fell off his push-bike on the way back from quiz-night after six pints. He's telling people he 'tried exfoliating' to cover the whole incident up.

If you had an unlimited supply of badgers, would you consider using 3,657,429 of them to topple the Empire State Building?

No. I'd send four into the post office though. Glenda is terrified of badgers, something about them carrying tepees'? Though she likes camping... she's an odd one Glenda.

If you ate pelican curry would you expect to get a large bill?

I've not had a curry since we took Malcolm in the Ganges, he'd not eaten anything 'foreign' before and was convinced the kitchen staff had used 'sorcery' to make his Jalfrezi. He upturned four tables, threw an entire glass of Cobra lager on the Norwegian lady from Merrick Avenue and then soiled himself. Disappointing evening.

I own a chicken farm in Kent, I'm recently divorced. But lately I've started to really fancy a woman down the road. I would like to give her a chicken as a display of my admiration. Should I give her one or two? Is two coming on a bit strong?

I'd say two is definitely a bit much, don't go overboard. I'd start with a couple of drumsticks cooked in a nice marinade. Unfortunately I talk from experience, Stan (from number 18a) told me Sandra had a thing for Black Magic, I nailed a goats head to her front door and drew a pentacle on the bonnet of her Clio in chicken blood. After her breakdown and my subsequent arrest Stan clarified he meant the Nestlé chocolates.

My wife is pregnant and we found out were having a girl due in september any ideas for names?

I was asked to offer suggestion for a babies name a few years ago. I can only assume her parents were not familiar with terminology relating to the female genitalia and missed my joke. If you're reading Vulva, I'm sorry, I hope home schooling is working out for you.

I'm going to Peru next week...I live at sea level so how should I prepare for the altitude? I don't want to have to spend all my time waiting at the bottom of the mountains for everyone else to come back!

I'm very jealous you're going to Peru. Unless you've fabricated this journey for the sake of the question, in which case I'm not jealous as you're not going. Start wearing a tight fitting children's bicycle helmet whilst watching the tele. Also try and hold your breath through the adverts. I'm not a doctor but common-sense tells me this must be what a qualified physician would advise.

My dog is addicted to energy drinks and keeps listening to Phil Collins. It's driving me insane, any ideas?

Cut the plug off the tape player and stop his pocket money. If he becomes aggressive give him half a banana and a 10 second snippet of "Sussudio". I hope this helps.

Did you enjoy the Royal Wedding today?

I want to respond with something like, I did enjoy the wedding, I feel it showed the population of Britain the real value of the Royal Family, it united a nation, celebrated our sovereignty and was a joyous union of two young people. In reality I didn't watch it, I drank four cans of carling and played stickle bricks with next doors cat.

ur a wanker

Claire at asda called me that once when I forgot my bag for life, paid with coppers and then dropped a jar of ragu.

Well done geazer your a star, youve become a somewhat of a celeb!! You so need to get on the tv! What sort of TV show would you like to do if you could?

If I had to do a TV show, it'd be about condensation and its devastating effect on window frames, each week we'd teach the viewers how to reduce the moisture in their homes.

Hey Dooooooooooooooooooooode I forgots to ask but have you ever been flunging in your wetsuit ? Cheers then again then. Leroy La Rue

I don't know what 'flunging' is? I'd google it but last time I googled a new word I saw pictures of an elderly woman doing something morally wrong with two younger men. At first I thought she was just proudly displaying two sausage rolls she had recently baked.

Are you married, I love a man who moisturises......and scampi fries....ideal complete.....?

I am not married. I am 'complete' minus the end of my index finger which I lost trying to feed a chipstick to an otter, I should have listened to Terry Nutkins when he said “if you f*ck about feeding Otters you'll lose a finger”, at the time it made no sense.

why are you stealing the wetsuit bear, why?

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